The Joke Thread

[dirtydog]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her butt.

You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.


"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We will go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"




She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[dirtydog]

Patriotic Harley Biker

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside the cage, while her screaming parents look on.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter says to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican. '

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions. The front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[markdamaroyd]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.

A frustrated housewife went shopping in the local sex shop. "I want the biggest vibrator you have - what about that super red one on the wall?"

"That's the fire extinguisher, Madam."

[dirtydog]

Thats when the fight started

One year , I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year , I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why , I replied ,

"Well , you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife ,

Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested , 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...






My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said ,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No , '

she answered. I then said ,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time , simply saying

'Yes..'

So I said , 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...




I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter , for some reason , took my order first.

'I'll have the rump steak , medium rare , please.'

He said , 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah , she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked , 'What's on TV?'

I said , 'Dust'

And then the fight started..





My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said , 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion , and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes , ' she sighed ,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago , and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said ,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...





I rear-ended a car this morning.. So , there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah , well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car , looked up at me , and shouted ,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So , I looked down at him and said , 'Well , then which one are you?'
And then the fight started…





THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run , my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But , somehow I always had something else to take care of first , the shed , the Ute , making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day , I found her seated in the tall grass , busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute , and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said ,

'When you finish cutting the grass , you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again , but I will always have a limp.

[Johnnie F.]

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have
a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.



A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well, you started it.'

[thaiga]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt  this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c_ _t?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'